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Caring for Myself: Parenting as a Spiritual Jew, Part IV I have written about the way making sacrifices as a parent helps me to evolve myself. Learning patience and generosity as well as acceptance of a very different person- these are gifts to my soul. At the same time, I am challenged by this process of growing and evolving. Taking care of myself physically, intellectually, and emotionally are also keys to my ability to respond to the challenges of parenting. |
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Today I received an email from a friend who is the mother of two young children. She began: Things are really busy and I am pretty exhausted all the time – I honestly don’t know how you do it with three. Tonight I have three as I am helping out a friend…and it’s been insane, all three of them calling me at once…with my own kids bothering each other and making it worse!Before I read her email, I was just thinking about how exhausted I was in the first 2 years of the lives of my first 2 kids. Totally drained. I responded to the exhaustion, overwhelming demands, and sleep deprivation by drawing more and more on my adrenals—in other words, using adrenaline and caffeine to get through each day. After 2 years, my systems crashed and I fell into terrible, chronic insomnia and nervous exhaustion. Luckily I found healing with Chinese herbs and acupuncture. So far, things are better this time around. Partly I'm finally adapted to sleeping less with LOTS of interruptions. This time, too, we have more help – family, childcare and healers. Finally, our nervous systems have grown immensely so that taking care of a baby seems relatively easy. Sometimes, though, I can’t believe I have three children who need my loving attention every day. I am parenting at my edge- four would seem to be too many! I have written about the way making sacrifices as a parent helps me to evolve myself. Learning patience and generosity as well as acceptance of a very different person- these are gifts to my soul (and my marriage!). At the same time, I am challenged by this process of growing and evolving. Sometimes I fall short and behave less than kindly. My intention is to be open and honest about this process to my children, sharing my challenges with them, so they don't take me for granted but rather learn appreciation and ideally want to follow my lead. I see this in Saffie when she plays with Bindi. She has been given attention and responses when she asks for them, most of the time (under reasonable circumstances). This sometimes requires one of us to put aside our book/project/task for a conversation or task (such as reading Curious George for the 5th time that day) that is relatively un-stimulating and not about us. It is wonderful to see her willingness and ability to move into Bindi’s 2 1/2 year old language and thought-space, and give her attention and responses that a more selfish child would refuse to give. It occurs to me that we have taught her how to do this. (On the flip side, when I notice her snapping impatiently at Bindi, I realize we’ve been less than patient with her lately.) Generosity to very young people can be extremely draining. Reading out loud endlessly; playing their games with them; giving love; physical jobs such as carrying them, clothing/bathing/diapering them, and feeding them; and simply being available—Present-- to their need for connection. Also discipline and setting limits and teaching them to be the best they can be. I believe in all of this and want it for my children. But I know that if I spent 12 hours a day parenting mostly alone, I would not be a strong, loving, generous, capable person for very long. Co-parenting and childcare, in my mind, are absolute MUST HAVES. Taking care of myself physically, intellectually, and emotionally are also keys to my ability to respond to the challenges of parenting. One of my goals has been to find ways to take care of myself through satisfying and money-generating work, in part so I can help pay for childcare and free my husband to co-parent part of each day. I know that I am very lucky to have found good work as an artist. I also know, however, that I would never have achieved this without an iron will of determination. Every mother and father struggles with the balance between her/his needs and the needs of the children. The picture looks different in each household, depending on innumerable factors. Unless we are told, we cannot really understand what takes place in another’s home or why people make choices different from us. My intention in sharing my story is simply to share my story. I feel that articulating my choices and being very clear with myself about my needs has helped me find stability and peace as a mother. I encourage this process of self-examination in everyone and would love to hear each and every story! | |||||||
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